January 15th - 80/20

I think I'm Jekyll/Hyde-ing it here.

I have 80/20 moods. No no, hear me out, this may be you some day (or this may have been you at once point, in which case you can look down on me as a that poor confused new mom/crazy person). Or you may never do all this fabulous reproducing stuff, in which case: happy condoms to you, enjoy your nights of perpetually undisturbed sleep.

20: I get to go back to school WHEN, exactly? I'm growing weary of daytime TV (I leave Lifetime sitcoms on all morning, perhaps some comedy central or a DVD I got OF a sitcom on most of the afternoon. I actually watch about a fifth of it, I'd say, and leave it on for noise/company when we're not Baby Mozarting or having some other music). At least the Daily Show is on at 2:00. I take walks, I like going to Target/Wal-Mart only so much (although the discovery of the sling is making it much less anxiety-ridden). I miss people. I miss Bob most of all. Summer has me programmed to think "I'm home, he should be too." I miss having adult conversations. I miss having friends to have "you won't believe what this kid/parent/idiot did/said/sent in a memo from Admin." conversations with. I miss eating lunch with other people besides the cast of Will & Grace. My feet hurt - my joints are still achey from pregnancy hormones, the OB tells me. I will never get used to getting up in the middle of the night, and I've yet to get a good night's sleep without the help of Tylenol PM or Benadryl, whether I'm on baby duty or not. I feel sad sometimes - but sad that I'm not blissfully happy all the time, because what kind of horrible, selfish woman wouldn't be ecstatic to be out of her job for 5 months and home with her baby for 4 of them? Guilt makes the world go round in mommyville.

80: I so love my life. Maddie is the cutest, sweetest, laughiest, smiliest, most entertaining thing ever and I thank my lucky stars every day that we were able to have a glorious healthy baby so relatively easily and that I have 4 lovely months to stay home and be here for all the 'firsts' she'll have, and have playtime and music time and tummy time every day. Sometimes I scoop my sweet, sleeping baby up for no reason at all, knowing full well I should take advantage of her having dozed off to get the dishes done or attempt a nap, and I hold and cuddle and just breathe her all in. Sometimes when I rock her to sleep, through my fuzzy contacts I get teary just seeing how much she's grown that day alone. Sometimes I sit and gaze at her for a half hour at a time, sleeping or awake, because when something's that beautiful, you just don't look away that easily. You lap up every moment of it, because tomorrow she'll be eating solids and wearing sneakers and going to Kindergarten. I really think everybody should have a child, because it's indescirbably heavenly. Everyone deserves this beyond-happiness, the way everyone deserves air and water. Even the 3am poopy diapers are a celebration of the life that you made. Look, she works! She smiles, she laughs, she poops, and she's mine!