Maddie's Story Part 3 - Coming Home

She's asleep again, and she's been that way for an hour and a half, so Lord knows it'll take me a day or two to finish this post. :-) Because we know where this is heading...

So, where were we?

On Wednesday we got to come home. I was lucky, I had her very close to midnight on the 20th, so I actually got an 'extra' day in the hospital (although how lucky it was I don't know, wasn't fond of the hospital). I got to "sleep" Monday night (morning, whatever) and then have Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday till whenever. I was ready to get out of there... little did I know (wha hahahahaha!)

Before I blog all this I should explain about hormones. No, not the cute kind that make you crave chocolate and cry at Hallmark commercials around that time of the month, and not the kind that give you whiteheads and drop boy's voices. I am talking WHOREmones. Wreck you, smack you, beat you over the head hormones. After being pregnant for 9 months, your body isn't your own anymore, and the hormones need to come into a new balance again, suitable for your non-pregnant being to function like, well, a human being. This takes weeks. But it's QUITE a wild ride the first week or so out of the hospital.

So I we came home and miraculously, our house was empty. No relatives, no visitors. It was raining, and the trip out of the hospital had been a bit stressful because we discovered that Maddie periodically decides she hates her carseat. We weren't used to hearing her scream like that. We came home to find a very cool stork sign announcing her arrival, name, weight, etc. on the front lawn. That was cool. (My in-laws did it. We didn't even think of it.) We introduced her to Max, who just wanted to sniff her like the dickens, and all was well.

Then they started to flow in. My mother and sister were staying at our house, and had to each have their own rooms, so that meant Bob's office was taken up, in addition to our guest room. We had Bob's family over. Tons of people, it felt like, even though it was only 6. That night I remember standing there, watching Maddie get passed from person to person, smiling, talking, laughing, and feeling like I barely had a reign on the tears, internally. Crazy, I know. There's no sense when it comes to Baby Blues.

Thanksgiving was at our house, so we wouldn't have to travel, which was nice. But my mom had to compete with Bob's mom (who is super Nana, God love her), and there was that turmoil, plus my mother making loud jokes about overdosing on sleeping pills (which I wish was more of a joke), plus Bob's grandparents came over, and that was stressful because the dog apparently likes to eat old people. Taste like chicken. Plus we were exhausted. And yes, I had NOTHING to do, I did no work, no prep, no cleanup. I could retire to my bedroom whenever I wanted and nap, and there was always a willing set of arms happy to take the baby. I even got to take a nap with Bob. But it was unbelievably stressful to me. Very unlike me, I love a house full of people, loud talking, music, and food. Not that day. I wanted them all there, very much, to share our happy first full day home and to hug and love our beautiful daughter. But I wanted them all gone, damn it. Out of my house. Too. Many. People. It wasn't me, but then, baby blues aren't.

Earlier in the day, when just my family was there, we'd had the last major attempt at nursing, and it had gone hellishly. For an hour Bob and I tried desperately to get Maddie to breastfeed - I won't go into details, only tell you that it HURT, and it killed me to be torturing my hungry baby like that. She howled. She wailed. I cried. Bob cried. I finally, after an hour of this, gave up and gave her the stupid syringe, which couldn't possibly be feeding her enough at this point, and cried some more. (See how I have no problem telling the world that I sobbed like a wuss? This is what having a baby does to you. No pride anymore. None.) Bob called his mom, and we talked to my mom, and eventually we caved and gave her a bottle of pumped breastmilk. Supposedly bottle-feeding a baby you're attempting to breastfeed is the beginning of the end for that hope, and we started off on that trail, feeling tremendously defeated, figuring we were dooming her forever by caving like that. Our moms told us we were nuts and to ignore all that pro-breastfeeding Nazi propaganda, and feed our daughter.

Oh my GOD when she grabbed that bottle she looked at me like she saw me for the first time. She suddenly seemed to SEE me and thought, "you DO give me food. you DO love me!"

So from that moment on I felt relieved that at least my baby was getting food. I still had to retreat to the nursery to pump every 2 hours, and that bothered me, and I still tried to get her latched on, to no avail - and more screaming. But at least afterwards she'd get a bottle from me or Bob and be happy and full, as a baby should be.

Thanksgiving progressed on and my relatives - some of them who shall remain nameless - drove me nuts. They wouldn't have, except that I was, again, a flowing fountain of hormones. I'd have to go to my bedroom and "nap", which was really an excuse to get some quiet time. Bob would come back and comfort me, which was nice. But I wasn't myself, end of story.

The next few days were nicer. Dad flew in very early Friday morning, and Bob picked him up at the airport. He was completely enthralled by Maddie. He held her for hours. It was hard, having both my dad and my mom in the house. Weird, and stressful. But mom was scheduled to leave that day. Then Cait (sis) got into a car accident while out shopping, and the whole stressful mess began. Honestly, Bob and tried to tune it out as much as possible and just take care of Maddie & the house. It sucked, though not something she had control over, and Mom was suddenly staying till Sunday so she could drive Cait back to college. But I couldn't drive, so why should my car sit in the garage? So I gave Cait my car, and mom made dinner for us, and left.

My in-laws popped over every day, which I didn't mind a bit, really. But it contributed to my 'too many people in my house' feeling. Again, hormones, not me. I love a full house. (Not the show. Stupid Michelle.)

Dad was a huge help. He just said, "tell me what to do". He made sure the dishwasher was run and emptied, the trash was out, and he and Cait got the Christmas decorations down from the attic and while I sat and rested on the couch, they let me tell them what room they went in. A week later I still have bins of decorations in each room, as they left them, but whatever, at least we're that far. Bob had time to get the lights up outside, and it looked lovely. Dad made two casseroles and left them for us.

He had to take a taxi to the airport on Tuesday morning at 4 AM to make his flight. I felt so bad, not being able to drive him (Bob had to work Tuesday, I couldn't drive yet). Tuesday Bob went back to work, and Cait had left on Sunday. Suddenly my house went from "dear God who are all these people and when are they leaving?" to "where is everybody? I'm so lonely!"

And that's where the Baby Blues really hits ya. Life goes back to "normal". Or it goes to where it'll be from now on. And that's a major adjustment.

Well, my kid hasn't been up for 2 hours, and I really should check to make sure that she hasn't tunneled out of her crib.

I should probably say thank-you to anybody who's read these crazy posts the whole way through. THANK YOU!