Maddie's Story - Part 4 - Staying Home

And we're changed, dressed, fed, burped, and propped up on our Boppy in an semi-upright and secure position (to avoid spit-ups). Let's see how long it stays that way. My mom is coming today to give me a hand. I really feel like I can either take care of her and manage to possibly shower...or run the house and get stuff done so that poor Bob doesn't have to do it all AND work. So Mom's coming to be on baby duty while I either nap or clean/put up Christmas decorations/do the Christmas cards. I have a few minutes here to post. Or not...

Ok, the carrier didn't work but the pacifier is buying us some rest. She slept VERY little last night, she needs to nap! There we go... eyes closing. Cuteness!!! God they're cute when they're asleep.
Or "asleep" and threatening to wake up. If anybody's wondering how I have time to post and care for her, it's a combo of one-handed typing and writing in 3-minute spurts in between holding and changing and burping oh-my!

So I'm now *gulp* a stay-at-home mom.

Hang on, I have to pick myself up off the floor. I am NOT the stay-at-home type. Mom, yes, I can do that. But the first few days of staying home all day with Maddie were pretty blue for me. She's wonderful - although every mom worries that she doesn't love/dote on/pay attention to her kid enough. I'm just one of those people who likes to go out and do something every day. People to talk to, things to do, accomplishments, socialization...

Tuesday, my first day in my new role, I stayed at home, in the house-all day-alone till Bob got home. And I felt like shit. I was also VERY sad that Dad had gone back to California that morning. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I've always gotten along well with my father, and he was such a steady, helpful presence in my house for the 4 days he was here. I missed him instantly. And Bob went back to work after being off for days, home with me & baby & family. As I said, my house went from being a bit too full for my taste to being empty and lonely.

I remember standing over her crib a week ago and crying, "I don't think I want to do this!" Meaning, stay at home with a baby for 4 more months and not work. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm only saying home till April. I felt so pleased that we'd negotiated that lengthy a maternity leave, and that we can (supposedly) afford to live on one paycheck for that long (we can't, we've been saving up extra $ for my maternity leave since I got pregnant). Last Tuesday (and Wednesday and Thursday) I suddenly felt trapped and alone. I had wanted to ADD a baby to my life, not rip everything else out of it. There was nobody- nothing to do (except house work) nowhere to go (because I couldn't take her out and my sister had my car and I wasn't supposed to drive for 2 weeks after the birth anyway). And for somebody who actually looks forward to going to work, that was a tough reality

I love my job, I love my school, my students, and my friends there. I may only be teaching elementary general music, but I take it seriously and I do a good job. I also have a fabulous time doing it, for the most part. (It's the adults I work with that give me issues.) And I was really starting to feel like I had a good handle on the ins and outs of it all, too. I love my job. I love the fact that in April,when everybody else has had just about enough of school and will be counting the days till June 21st, I'll feel fresh and eager to hop back on board. (Yes, I realize I'll also die of guilt and not want to leave my adorable 4-month old daughter with Shannon then, too, but I'll still have a happy feeling about going back, I know it. Once I get in the car on the road to DeMasi I'll feel pretty good.) Yeah, I love my job. I love my Maddie more, though.

Ha! My baby is snoring. OH she is her father's child 100%. This kid is all Bob so far. Which pleases me more than I can say. :-)

I can't believe there's a baby sitting next to me on the couch, sleeping, and I CAN'T believe that she's mine.

The care & maintenance of Maddie isn't that bad, honestly. What we do with her, we knew we'd have to do. There's no horrible surprises (yet). Both of us were 'screamers', so to speak, as babies. From day 1, my mom said I never stopped (I was hungry, though. My grandmother put the ridiculous notion into my head that a newborn - a holdable fetus, basically, should be on a strict 4-hour eat/sleep schedule. Ha. Tell that to the fetus that's had a 24-hour diner at her disposal for 9 months.)

She's a newborn, she does sleep a good part of the day. Except she USUALLY doesn't sleep for long stretches. Yesterday was a major exception, and I paid for all those hours she slept consecutively when I was still trying to put her to sleep for the first time that evening at midnight after trying for more than 2 hours, her wailing. I figured out that she hadn't eaten nearly as often as she usually did, since she'd slept all day, and she was probably quite hungry. 2 oz. bottle solved that problem, and out she went, till 5 AM. Of course that meant I fell asleep around 1AM and was up at 5AM. But this is what having a baby is like, and you really do stop caring about the sleep after a few days. You'll function as best you can, and if not you'll call a Grandmother who will ride to the rescue.

Her catnaps are nice, long enough to maybe shower or get the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. Not long enough to catch up on the sleep that I'm missing while rocking her royal fussiness to something that resembles sleep - until you put her in her cradle. Then it resembles bitch-fest. She's so indignant when she wakes from her half-sleep to find herself somewhere other than on your shoulder. Her nights are a bit rough. Days, they can be interesting, too.

I spent (spend) the majority of the day on the couch, still, though. Holding her, rocking her, feeding her, burping her, watching her sleep, and then hitting the laptop for email, news, and a good blog session. (This, by the way, is therapeutic beyond measure. I want to print it out and save it for next time, so I remember for the next kid what it was like. Except it won't be the same way again anyway...) I also attempt to take naps, usually on the couch, but I've never been successful beyond a half an hour or so. Except for last night, she her sleep patterns aren't that horrible. If I could change one thing, it would be that we could get her to sleep around 9 and keep her that way till a nice midnight feeding, after I've been asleep for 2 1/2 hours myself, I'd be a little happier. Well, maybe in a few weeks we'll get into a routine. Not a schedule, just a routine. I'd like to be able to count on her napping around such and such a time, etc. But I can't complain much. Now. A week ago, BOY could I.

The problem I was having a week ago with this lifestyle was that I didn't know my place in it yet. The adjustment wasn't made. I started feeling depressed beyond belief around the time that Bob got home - maybe because I finally had somebody to talk to about how I felt. The Baby Blues were still hitting me hard. I didn't feel like eating, didn't enjoy Maddie as much as I should have, just during those few hours a day. (The rest of the day I had to remind myself to eat, period, but at least I was hungry. And I'd sometimes find myself just looking at her and getting teary-eyed, so happy with my little kiddo.) But Bob, he's a stay-at-homer. He's always been content to be a homebody, take care of the house, etc. He has no need for large circles of friends, places to go, people to see, etc. He's much better adjusted to this lifestyle and he's not the one living it - and he doesn't like his job. So how could I sit there and whine that I was lonely and felt I had nothing to look forward to beyond seeing what was in the next diaper? I'm just not that kind of mom. We should be reversed! I'd have the strength to go back to work by this week, I think, and he'd be the happiest daddy on earth. So I'd try to keep all those stay-at-home blues pent up, so as not to lay more on Bob's shoulders. I'd try, I wouldn't succeed.

This went on for the week, and during that time I decided it was time to do something about it. Well, what could I do? Go out! I got enough moms to tell me that they brought their babies out in the cold in the Christmas shopping season at even younger than my baby's age, so I gave myself permission to take her out to stores...when I got my car back. Which hasn't happened yet, but that's no big deal. The possibility is there.

And then I started in on the social interaction. I looked up all the baby/mommy groups I find, too. I'm going to start going to "Mommy & Me Morning" on Fridays at the hospital. It's a group of 50 moms or so, and they always have a lecturer, a pediatrician and a lactation consultant, plus refreshments and you get to meet other moms and maybe *gasp* make friends. I'm also joining Moms Club of South Jersey, which happens to meet at our church on Wednesdays once a month for business meetings, has several monthly outings, and sets you up with a weekly playgroup with babies your child's age. Bring it. Then there's the "TLC New Moms" group. I found out after calling to ask about it that it's actually a post-partum depression support group. Not really dealing with PPD, it's a bit early anyway, and I'm feeling way better this week anyway, just knowing that I'm setting up all these new things in my life. But the woman I spoke to was so nice, agreed that I was just fine, but asked about the breastfeeding mess, the stay-at-home adjustment, and how Maddie was doing. She said it might make me feel better just to come and meet some other new moms, if only once. So that's Thursday, this or next, depending on when Grandmom & Pappy are showing up. I also signed up online to be contacted about the Moms MeetUp Club in the area. And I'll just keep going to things...I'm not going to be shy about making friends and getting into this scene, either. Hell, I'm only in this world for 4 months, what do I have to lose? If I come off as a desperate mommy-geek, well then...um, yeah, I'm pretty much a desperate mommy-geek. I embrace it now.

And now I have things to do on several days during the week. You wouldn't believe how relieved that makes me feel. (Pathetic, aren't I? This is stay-at-home mom life.)

I'm probably done with the whole Baby-Blues related stay-at-home woes. The colic and ever-erratic sleep schedule may still get me from time to time. But again, that comes with the territory, and THAT I accepted before she was born. I knew I'd be walking the floors all night, holding her till my arms ache. I never ever imagined what my days would feel like.

Well that was more of an endlessly rambling inner monologue than a "Maddie's Story" installment. Whatever. I'm going on 4 hours of sleep and a bowl of shredded wheat here, please take what you get.