March 22nd - On Going Back to Work

While she's asleep and I actually have (almost) everything done I wanted to get done - the new shower curtain can hang itself, thankyouverymuch. Haha - I think I'll blog.

I go back to work next Wednesday. The 28th- 30th Sandy (my sub) is still there, and we're transiioning the kids from her to me. But it takes us a week to see all he kids, so the whole transitioning thing is pretty useless. But it gives me time to ease in. BE there, without acually doing a whole lot of WORK.

...and, well, they say that admitting it is the first step, soooooo:

I'm not that upset. Well, I'm going to miss my little peanut constantly. It's going to bug the Hell out of me that she'll spend the majority of her waking hours with someone else. And I'm going to be desperate for Maddie time when we get home every night. But when I'm honest with myself I don't even cringe when I remember that it's my last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. home with Maddie.

Reason #1: It's not really my last days, for Heaven's sake. I work 3 days, have a weekend, work 4 days, have Spring Break, work 3 days, have a weekend, and THEN, beginning April 16th, I actually have a full work week. Viva this time of year! And then I have 10 more weeks till summer. And there's a few half-days and a Memorial day in there too. So I have plenty more Mondays, Tuesdays, etc.

Reason #2: She takes naps. Lately, she takes 3 or more hours worth of naps a day. So there's 3 or more hours that I'm not really missing anything anyway. I know, that's stupid, but it helps. She's been going to bed earlier and earlier, but it hasn't mattered until now...yeah, Shannon is a professional mommy, she'll hopefully be able to get Maddie to sleep more during the day. So I get more Maddie time at night. Damn I'm selfish.

Reason #3: I miss work. I miss getting up and going somewhere in the morning where everybody knows me and I can always find someone to hang out with. And there's hundreds of kids who I like too. Oh, and I have actual friends who I actually sit and chat with and do stuff outside of work with (on very rare occassions, we all have kids under 4, it's tough.)

Reason # 4: I like my job. I like creating new lessons, I like getting on the floor and making a lot of music (noise?) with kids, I like the school environment, and I like hearing their little stories about their dog or the popsicle they ate for breakfast.

...Reason #5: I'm a bit pathetic, codependent, and needy, and I REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLY hate sitting around the house all day with no one to talk to. Yes, I talk to my baby. Constantly. She's 4 months old and she's already mastered the teenaged "shut UP, Mom!" eye roll. No, seriously, I talk, but I like to listen and be listened to. And since I've started talking back to episodes of "Scrubs", I think it's time to go back. Before I descend further into madness. Wha ha ha ha haaaaaa!

Yes, I feel tremendously guilty about wanting to go back to work. I'm supposed to be choked up and miserable. I am, too - when I think about Maddie not having me all day. I know her cries, I know how she likes to be held, I know how to deal with her nutsyness with eating. I'm the only one who knows how to be her mommy. But I also know that I just wouldn't be a happy person if I weren't also being a teacher. And a baby needs a happy mommy, period.

But oh, I've got worries: What if Shannon doesn't feed Her Extremely Tempramentalness and she freaks and won't eat? (reflux sucks.) And what if she doesn't get any attention? Actually, that's not likely to happen, they've wanted another baby for so long they're soooo thrilled to have a warm-up baby sister for their daughter before her real little sis arrives in July. What if Shannon finds she can't keep up with everything and, uh, dumps us? She is pregnant, I couldn't have done what she's about to do. What if Shannon's 3-year old sticks something up Maddie's nose out of curiosity, and...well, they live closer to our pediatrician than we do. But most of all:

What if she starts liking Shannon more than me?

Well, she's awake now. And we're going to the Mall for a little mommy-daughter shopping, and then meeting a friend (from school!) who's home with her new daughter, too! Enjoying our "last" Thursday.