And here they are, in no particular order:
*Somewhere a porn star is missing her breasts.
*I'm terrified of putting on real shoes, your feet spread like pancakes in a hot griddle and haven't worn anything but flip flops in over 2 months.
*Feet? Wait, I was able to see my feet two months ago?
*Painting my own toenails WAS my major accomplishment for the day, yesterday. And man did I feel good about it. Good and tired.
*Any magazine with "baby" in the title will grace your coffee table, and you won't be the one who picked it up off the news stand.
*You will at one point have to tell a relative to STOP buying baby clothes. At least until the baby's born. Baby's not wearing them out like crazy at this point.
*No matter how many practical, low-priced baby gear items you put on your registry, you will receive at least half a dozen silver plated birth certificate holders. And, like all sane people, you will eventually put your kid's birth certificate in the fireproof strong box with the passports, anyway.
*Touching a pregnant woman's stomach is thought to bring good luck. I think it also brings broken fingers.
*A college-educated, intelligent woman will spend hours pouring over consumer information regarding the pro's and con's of the latest model of fisher price potty.
*Anything makes me cry. Anything. Nothing. "Everybody Loves Raymond", for instance.
*Your stomach will vibrate, swell, and undulate like that famous scene from "Alien", and you'll think it's the coolest thing in the world.
*When I cry at "Seinfeld", I should probably be medicated.
*Going to the bathroom upwards of 14 times in one day... is a GOOD day.
*A good night = only 3 bathroom trips, by the way.
*I actually got sick of talking about baby stuff about 3 days before my mother. Yes, it does happen. And the next morning you wake up normal and in an estrogen-induced baby craze again.
*I ate a nice big dinner, a nice big snack, and I still want food. You pretty much always want food.
*I've lost 10 pounds in the past 2 months, and yet, I pretty much always want food.
*Except when the thought of food sends you packing. Like when you gag into the sink when your husband asks what you want for breakfast.
*You're sweating while you're shuffling around the air-conditioned mall at 1 mph, and hey, if that isn't "light to moderate excercise", what is?
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